What a week..

It's been such a rollercoaster of a week for me. My emotions were all over the place. Monday was our first day with all 13 kids here. It went really well and made the day go by really quickly. Tuesday was a normal day. I had a hard time getting up and was really cranky for some reason. It then turned into crying. I don't cry too often but for some reason that day I couldn't stop. Shannon kept threatening to break my "bubble." Those of you who know me well know that I'm not a huggy person. I have a rather large personal space bubble. She said if I couldn't stop crying she was going to hug me. :) It made me feel better just knowing she wanted to. I figured it was due to me not taking my anti-anxiety pill Monday. I was trying to ration them because I was running out and couldn't get to the pharmacy. So then I was upset that I depended so much on a silly pill to be a normal human being. Well as I thought more and more I realized that I think there's more going on under the surface. I was in therapy for a year back in 06-07. I was working on dealing with my feelings when they happen - I'm still not very good at it. I find it an inconvenience to tell people how I'm feeling. I don't want to burden Jose with how I'm feeling. I don't want people to worry. Plus I like people to believe I have it all together. So anyway, the week goes on and I'm just not myself. Going back and forth between crabbiness to sadness to hyperness - just all over the place. Last night I was mad because I felt like Jose was never here. He is gone a lot due to his job and they are abusing him a lot more these days. So I start talking to him about it and saying all these things that I'm angry with him about. Somehow the mayo clinic stuff with Isabelle comes up and I just lost it. Turns out I'm not really mad at him, he's just unlucky enough to be my target. All this stuff I didn't realize I was feeling or thinking started bubbling over. I discovered I'm scared, I'm angry, I'm tired...I want them to find something with these tests because I want them to tell me this is what's wrong and we take this pill or follow this diet and it will be all better. I don't want to hear we don't know why because then that means all this work I have to do to fight for her and work with her is going to go on longer. It sounds so awfully selfish saying that and then I beat myself up for being a bad mom. But in all honesty it's exhausting keeping track of everything for her. It's exhausting fighting for her. It's exhausting worrying. It's exhausting dealing with people who don't understand what I'm going through that tell me she's just a slow developer or just don't worry about it - she'll catch up. So I keep this all in so no one knows that I'm a bad mom; that no one has to worry or feel burdened with me and then it builds up and things get ugly. I know this is normal - I know people with special needs children go through these stages that I'm going through but for some reason I think I should be tougher. I should just not worry and just take what God has given me. But sometimes I don't want to. I want to have my almost 9 month old sit up and crawl across the floor. I want her to be eating from the table like most others. I want her to not have to work so hard just to try and hold her own weight standing up. I don't want my baby to have a hard life. I don't want to watch her struggle. And sometimes, I just don't want to be the one to have to do it all. But yet if I get offered help I can't take it for fear they don't do it how I would. What if they forget this...what if they don't see this... It's all just a bunch of jumbled thoughts that I can't make sense of. Then I start thinking of my other kids and how I hope I don't spend more time with one versus the other. I hope I hug them enough and that I don't pass on my anxiety to them. I hope I have the patience I need. I hope the cycle that is repeating from my childhood is getting broken. I hope that I can make my children have great childhood memories and feel loved always. I just want to be better. I always hate on myself - it's always something that I could be doing better. I didn't do this well so I don't deserve to work out when I want to. I'm not doing this for these people so I shouldn't get to go do something fun on my own. Jose had a hard week so he should go out and have fun but not me. Jose deserves these things, not me. What a horrible pity party I get stuck in. So instead of having others think poorly of me by sharing how I feel I keep it to myself, hold it in, and eat. Why do I gain weight? Because I eat instead of talk. I take it out in the wrong ways on those around me. I blow up in their face after months of holding it in. I feel like I don't have time - I don't have time to work out, I don't have time to journal, I don't have time to talk about my feelings, I don't have time to pray...I don' t have time to feel. Oh my my....
In the midst of this emotional battle I fight other things have happened that are positive! Isaiah is basically succesfully potty trained now. We are signing him up for preschool this fall two mornings a week. He will ride the bus with Audri in the morning and Daddy will pick him up on his lunch break to take him home. He's so excited! Yesterday he sat on the stairs, folded his hands and said, "I wait for my bus Mommy." I said, it's not coming today, school's closed. "No, I wait, I go to school, he says" I went to my mom's work yesterday for 2 1/2 hours to do interviews and surveys on communication for my final paper for class. It was fun to see her at work and the people she works with. I'm excited to just have the paper due tomorrow and I'm done! ..for 7 weeks. We got a call from Mayo clinic. All the tests they have gotten back thus far are normal. I asked what tests were back and the nurse did not know. She just said the ones they have are normal and the rest will be back the week of the 18th. It's Friday today. The weeks go by so quickly but the weekends do too, sadly! :)
Thanks for hanging in there through my writing today. You should all hold me accountable to how I'm truly feeling about things. Challenge me...push me....pray for me....