So what have I done?

I wonder why writing on my blog is such a hard task for me now? It's not because I don't like to, or don't care. It's not because there's nothing going on. It seems so overwhelming to me. Actually, most of everything seems overwhelming to me right now. But I have begun to make the steps in the right direction. Grief has had a dark, heavy blanket over me during this almost 8 month time since I lost my dad. But I know he would want me to continue to live life, to be happy and to make something out of my life.

So what have I done? I've been going to therapy since October. It's been great and though tough, it has made me face and deal with a lot of emotions surrounding losing my dad and more. My therapist opened my eyes and made me realize that I cannot and will not allow my Dad's death to have no meaning or purpose in my life. I will tell his story. While I'm in the very beginning stages, I am working on writing a book. It will be from my perspective, a daughter watching her father die and what is now known as "the week" to my family and I. This "week" is the day from which he was sent home from the hospital on hospice until the day he died. So much happened during that week and it haunts me and the rest of us that were there.

I have begun the process of becoming licensed for foster care. Jose and I attended both trainings and now we have paper work and a home study. I have wanted to do this my whole life and after an experience with one of my previous daycare children, just really feel like it's something God wants for us. The process can take awhile and before we are fully prepared, there was one more thing I needed for myself before I felt ready. . .

I have begun treatment for an eating disorder. Most of you know I have struggled with food and eating most of my life. I gain and lose weight often. Since losing Dad, this issue was bigger than it has been. I am now at my highest weight ever (only a few pounds less than 9 months pregnant with Belle). Food is my way to cope and I know I have a lot to learn. I was diagnosed with ED-NOS or binge eating disorder. I have begun meeting with a dietician, therapist, doctor and psychiatrist and will begin group sessions in April. This was a huge step for me. I always knew there was an issue, but to realize that it's an eating disorder, out of my control and to give myself a break from the pressure. I always figured it was a lack of will power and beat myself up for my relationship with food. It is an extensive outpatient program that could take months. I am focusing on this until I feel I have a handle over it before I move on to foster care or finishing school.

So that's what's new with me. I have hit my bottom and am struggling to make my way back up, but I won't give up.

Audri is during great in school and dance. She has the highest level of AR points (students read and take tests to earn points) in her grade. Her dance teacher said she has the most technical talent and ability she's seen in a child her age. Jose and her get to perform a daddy/daughter dance this year at the recital. She is beyond excited. Her recital is scheduled for the end of May/early June so if you're interested let me know. She is into reading, American Girl and has been recently talking to a boy often on the phone and says he really likes her. eek!

Isaiah continues to be our spirited one. He is the most loving and funny little guy. He wears his emotions on his sleeve and is not afraid to express them. We signed him up for half day kindergarten in the fall. We were shopping for clothes the other day in the regular boy section, not the toddler/preschool section and I teared up a bit. It's amazing how grown up he is now. Though he is still very small for his age. :) He's into super heros and anything else violent or good vs. evil; ninjas, spy, etc

Belle is blooming beautifully. She graduated from occupational therapy and will continue to go to speech and physical therapy. She is reaching goals rapidly in both of them as well, so who knows, maybe she'll graduate from them as too! She is an active, funny little girl and it's so fun to watch her catch on to so much. When I sneeze or cough, she asks, "you sneeze, Mommy? You ok?" Or if she hurts someone or they seem sad, she'll say, "sorry. hug?" She isn't your typical girly girl with babies or dolls. She loves legos, making towers or playing pretend in the kitchen and can often be found with one of Isaiah's bad guys or race cars. She loves to dress up and spin in cirlces too.

It is so amazing to watch my kids grow up and it all happened so quickly. They are all so beautiful and unique in their own way.

Jose is plugging away at work. His wage was decreased by 13% so that's been rough. The company seems like it may be going under, so we hold out hope that something will work out for him. He sends out resumes and applications regularly but has not gotten one call back. It's pretty scary out there and we are thankful that he still has a job and that the daycare has regular kids still coming.

Here's some random photos, in no particular order, since it's been awhile. Please comment or shoot me an email! It's so nice to hear from people.

The family at Christmas

Belle's 2nd birthday

Isaiah was wearing these from his potato head and said, hey I look like Daddy!

Audri reads to Belle, they both love it!

My princesses at a fundraiser for the HL Royalty